It is not unusual for relationship conflicts to originate in the expectations or “shoulds” we hold regarding relationships. Each of us enters a romantic relationship with our own unique hopes and expectations. We dream that this other person might perhaps be the “one” for us. We have some notions about what we do and don’t want based on family relationships, what we’ve seen in the media, and our own past relationship experiences. Sometimes our expectations of our partner or a relationship are unrealistic, unfair, and even self-defeating. Such expectations may doom a relationship to be unsatisfying and eventually to fail. It may be helpful to consider the following contrasts between healthy and problematic relationship expectations:
 

It is healthy to anticipate that both you and your partner will change over time and important to respect and value these changes. It is natural for feelings of love and passion to change with time as well. Love literally changes brain chemistry for the first months of a relationship. For both physiological and emotional reasons, an established relationship will have a more complex and often richer type of passion than a new relationship.
 

It is also difficult but healthy to accept that there are some things about our partners that will not change over time, no matter how much we want them to. Unfortunately, there is often an expectation that our partner will change only in the ways we want, or we hope that our partner will never change from the way he or she is now.

It is healthy to expect that there are times when our partner won’t be able to “read our minds” and we will have to make the effort of formulating and expressing needs and wishes. While it is easy (and convenient!) to assume that your partner knows your wants and needs, this is often not the case and is the source of much stress in relationships.

In healthy relationships, there is respect for each partner’s right to have her/his own feelings, friends, activities, and opinions. It is problematic to expect or demand that that he or she have the same priorities, goals, and interests as you or to expect that your partner will “give up” other interests, activities, and friends “for the relationship.”

Couples who view conflict as a threat to the relationship and something to be avoided at all costs often find that accumulated and unaddressed conflicts are the real threat. Healthy couples “fight,” but they “fight fair”—accepting responsibility for their own part of a problem, admitting when they are wrong, and not resorting to verbal, physical, or emotional abuse.

Most of us know that keeping a vehicle moving in the desired direction requires not only regular re-fueling, but also ongoing maintenance and active corrections to the steering to compensate for changes in the road. A similar situation applies to continuing relationships. While we may work hard to get the relationship started, expecting to “cruise” without effort or active maintenance typically leads to relationship “stall” (or “crash!”). Though gifts and getaways are important, it is often the small nonmaterial things that partners routinely do for each other that keeps the relationship satisfying. Because these behaviors are often small “corrections,” they are not always things we have observed in our parents’ or others’ relationships.

Relationships benefit the most when partners recognize the expectations they bring into the relationship and consider the different ways these expectations are affecting the relationship. This task is often challenging for both partners. Nonetheless, amidst all the other challenges of being a student, communicating about expectations and resolving differences in a way that works for both partners can help couples build and maintain healthy romantic relationships during college.